Your partner wants to know where you are at all times.
Your partner gets concerned when you don’t respond to a text right away.
Your partner unexpectedly shows up at the party 20 minutes after you post about it.
Middle and high school students often think these are signs someone cares about you. “Oh, my partner just really loves me,” they tell Outreach and Prevention Coordinator Tyler Wallace.
Not so, Wallace says: All these actions can be signs of digital abuse.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, digital abuse is the use of technology to maintain power and control over another in a relationship. In Safe Harbor’s outreach and education programs, Wallace teaches teens and adults how to recognize and protect themselves from digital abuse.
If you’re in a healthy, trusting relationship, you may choose to share your location or passwords with each other. But “somebody who loves you in a healthy way, respects you, and maintains consent is not going to demand what your passwords are. They’re not going to ask you to send nudes without your consent. They’re not going to try to control your content,” Wallace explains.
She gives the example of actor Jonah Hill, who told his then-girlfriend, professional surfer Sarah Brady, that he didn’t want her to post photos of herself in a bathing suit (among other restrictions). “These are my boundaries for romantic partnership,” Hill said.
But “telling somebody they can’t act a certain way on social media because you don’t like it — that’s not a boundary,” Wallace says. Digital abuse is often used early in a relationship to assert control. That’s why it’s so important to spot the warning signs before things escalate.
| What Digital Abuse Can Look Like Demanding that you share your passwords to social media, email, or devicesControlling who you speak with or text onlineTelling you who you can be friends with onlineControlling your content, such as the photos you postUsing social media to criticize you or lower your self-esteemSending or asking for explicit pictures without consentRequiring immediate responses to calls or textsInsisting that you share your location, or tracking you without your consent |
If you’re experiencing digital abuse, what can you do?
Once you’ve noticed some red flags, you can have a conversation with your partner. It’s OK to say that it makes you uncomfortable to share your social media passwords, or that you don’t like sharing nude photos. Does your partner make a good-faith effort to apologize and change? Or do they defend their actions?
If they don’t react well, that’s a sign that you need to get out of this relationship. Reach out to your support network, whether your friends, family, therapist, or Safe Harbor. They can help you develop a plan for exiting the relationship and staying safe.
How can you help a friend experiencing digital abuse?
- Stay in touch with your friend. Remember that abusers try to isolate their partner by cutting off their friendships and social relationships.
- Don’t bash the abuser. Instead, identify the problematic behavior. For example, you might say, “It’s weird that your boyfriend gets so angry when you don’t answer his texts right away.”
- If you’re witnessing abusive behavior in social media or another online space, don’t intervene publicly without the survivor’s consent. Send a private message to the survivor instead, validating their experience and expressing concern.
- Don’t force your friend to get help if they’re not ready. Be a supportive presence. Make sure your friend knows you’re there for them.
- Suggest proactive solutions. Instead of saying, “I’m here if you need me,” name specific actions that are within your capacity as a friend. Examples might be: “My guest room is open if you ever need someplace to go” or “I’m always free on Tuesday mornings if you want to meet for coffee.”
How can parents defend their children from digital abuse?
Young people face an ever-changing array of threats online. These include many types of image-based sexual abuse, such as deepfake porn (AI-generated porn using their face or likeness), sextortion scams, threats from ex-partners to share nudes, video voyeurism, and upskirting.
Traffickers, too, use digital tactics to identify and groom potential targets. They look for young people who seem vulnerable and lonely. Maybe they’re always online, posting pictures of themselves without friends, or writing about their lack of family support. Then, a trafficker will reach out with messages of affirmation, beginning the process of winning their trust.
The best defenses are education and communication. Teach children what digital abuse means. Encourage them to tell you if anyone threatens them or makes them feel uncomfortable online. Talk about consent, and what it means to be in a trusting, respectful relationship. “Nobody deserves to be mistreated, online or off,” Wallace says.