Content Warning: Sexual Violence
Conversations about harm in long-term relationships can be difficult, but they matter.
Too often, sexual violence is framed as something that happens between strangers. In reality, many survivors experience harm within relationships that are expected to be built on trust and safety. Naming that reality is an important step toward understanding, prevention, and support.
Understanding Intimate Partner Sexual Violence
Sexual violence can and does happen within relationships.
Intimate partner sexual violence, sometimes called marital or spousal rape, refers to any sexual activity that occurs without clear, voluntary consent within a relationship. For many survivors, the harm comes from the person who was supposed to feel safest.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and equality, where both partners have the same ability to make choices freely. When power is uneven, consent can be compromised or taken away entirely. This can look like one partner controlling finances so the other feels dependent or unable to say no, or a significant age or experience gap where one person holds more influence or authority in the relationship.
This dynamic can make the experience more difficult to recognize and name.
There is a persistent myth that being married or in a long-term relationship implies ongoing consent. It does not.
Consent must be:
Freely given
Reversible
Informed
Engaged
Specific
Every time.
This is true regardless of how long you’ve been with someone. Whether it’s new or a decades-long partnership. A relationship does not override a person’s autonomy over their own body.
Why Survivors May Not Come Forward
Intimate partner sexual violence is one of the most underreported forms of sexual assault.
Survivors may not report for many reasons. Some may not initially recognize what happened as assault, especially when harmful societal messages suggest that certain behaviors are “normal” within relationships. Others may fear not being believed, particularly when the person who caused harm is a spouse or long-term partner.
There may also be pressure, internal or external, to protect a partner, a family unit, or shared stability. Feelings of shame, confusion, or self-doubt can further complicate the decision to seek help.
There is also a broader reality at play: many people, especially women, are already navigating constant risk assessment in public spaces, thinking about where they go, how they get home, and how to stay safe.
They should not have to carry that same vigilance into their own homes.
When harm happens in a space that is supposed to feel safe, it can be especially difficult to process and respond to.
When the Law Doesn’t Fully Protect Survivors
Marital rape became illegal in all 50 states in 1993. This milestone was the result of decades of advocacy challenging the harmful belief that marriage implied permanent consent.
But legal recognition has not always translated into equal protection.
Many states still maintain gaps in the law that treat sexual violence within a marriage or long-term partnership differently than other forms of assault. In 17 states, the law only recognizes marital rape when force or the threat of force is used. This means a spouse might not be held accountable if a partner is unconscious, drugged, asleep, or otherwise unable to consent.
Other legal gaps further complicate accountability:
- In Virginia, a person convicted of spousal rape may be eligible for mandated therapy instead of incarceration if a court determines it could “promote maintenance of the family unit.”
- In California, someone convicted of marital rape may receive probation and avoid being required to register as a sex offender.
- In South Carolina, the maximum sentence for spousal rape is 10 years, significantly lower than penalties for non-spousal rape in many states, and survivors have only 30 days to report the assault.
These distinctions reflect a deeper, ongoing issue. As Jane Anderson, an attorney adviser at AEquitas, explains:
“There’s still just misogynistic beliefs of what marriage entitles you to…These laws tend to validate those beliefs on some level—that consent looks different if you’re married, or consent isn’t as necessary if you’re married, or it has to be highly [physically] violent for it to really count.”
When laws create different standards based on relationship status, they can reinforce harmful narratives about entitlement, consent, and whose experiences are taken seriously.
You Are Not Alone. Support Is Available.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual violence in a relationship, support is available.
Reaching out does not have to mean taking any specific action. It can simply be a way to talk, ask questions, or explore options in a space that centers your safety and autonomy.
24/7 Hotline: (804) 500-2755
You deserve to feel safe, respected, and in control of your own body, regardless of your relationship status.
Sources
Aequitas: Men Who Rape Their Wives Can Still Get Away With It in Many States | 2021Associated Press: Some States Seek to Close Loopholes in Marital Rape Laws | 2019